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and the moment i slept i was swept up in a terrible tremor

(though no longer bereft, how i shook! and i couldn't remember)

5/3/09 04:10 pm


www.rdeacon.etsy.com



preview:


do it.

7/1/07 03:05 am

7.1.7
if he winced she would know he was hers. "how about now?"

"puh-lease."

"we'll get there."

he was surprised to hear the genuine tone of her cheerleading. she took no pleasure in his pathetic, languid frame and the way she said the words had not bordered on lurid and sexual. she pretended that she was not praying for a miracle or that her fingertips would accidentally stumble upon a deep nerve overlooked and never singed shut. she could feel his muscle spasm beneath her and as her gaze moved from his entered flesh to his face she could have sworn she had seen love in his eyes.

6/15/07 12:28 am

when i was 4 and we started saying "only happy happy thoughts in the new big house" i almost immediately stumbled across the back porch and stood in awe at the world around me. there was green and space for sheeba to run in and childrens laughs came in beautiful waves of the sounds of christmas. tiny bells. there was also a man across the ally (which just so happens to be the exact border of pittsburgh, i am proud i am proud) who played the banjo all summer on his back deck. this place was never quite suburban so the wood was weathered and almost always looked wet but his plucking was soothing and precise and the closeness of the houses gave it a slight echo and i knew i was home and my mouth would hang slightly agape and my breath would slow a bit and i wasn't afraid. this was also where we kept the kitten i brought home who had orange stripes and was gnarled. one of her eyes was swollen shut and she had ear mites and her fur was matted together but she purred and she cocked her head at the perfect time for my parents so they said yes. we already had figaro so we had to keep cleo out there until her feline leukemia test results came back. i buried her almost two years ago and i remember taking her to the vet only 5 or 6 days after i had returned from baltimore broken-hearted and only one day after my grandmother getting pneumonia (for the 7th or 8th time that year)and worsening in the hospital. they shaved her leg and i tried to shut her eyes but they wouldn't close and by the time i was pulling out of the parking lot with my mother our tear soaked cheeks were colored and we we crying but also laughing hysterically at the ridiculousness of the situation.

i think i may be leaving this space for the last time very soon so tonight i smoked on the back porch and he must have been having nightmares and gone out to lightly pluck on his strings because it must sooth him even more than it soothes me. so i smoked and he played and my dad built a new porch but it still felt exactly the same.

5/22/07 03:11 am

my tongue is thick with truths and i struggle to swallow death and the truths fall on ears attached to tired limbs and full stomachs and slowing brains and i leave the room because i am begging:

please, listen
i watched her die
and i don't know what to do with that
or myself
anymore
i know that i am moody
and that i have been smoking too much

a tennis shoe suspended in mid-air
a ball with a bell that my cat bats across the floor
a sip of soured milk
i am these things and i am tired

she was god
you didn't know?
didn't you see her toothless smile after her last sip of wine? she needed no beard or white robe and i needed no further proof than the halo of silver hair set to flame by the late afternoon sun which found her atop her electric throne

i was at her left hand because in the new testament masturbation is prayer (but we still drink heavily)

when i was a child
i wrote on my hands and arms
and still forgot

now i am always close to tears and i miss the one who is touching me because sex means less and secrets mean more

i have many decaying still, unused and restless

4/10/07 08:25 pm

you asked me. and i still cared, so i told you. it's strange how attached i sometimes become to people who pass through my life quickly, who are never constants and who i can't really even say that i particularly miss. but not missing someone doesn't always equal not caring, and i reached a point a while back where i thought of you fondly, and sometimes i was confused by how quickly you betrayed me, how you didn't even take a week to mull it over or make a pros and cons list or...think. maybe grad school brains can justify making terrible decisions at a much more rapid speed than the rest of us.
but this time i am much more confused because you did take the time to think. you took the time to write to me and stir a sympathy that you didn't deserve and i told you secrets and i told you i wasn't surprised and i told you the truth. but right now, the only truth that i can think of to say is that i shouldn't have bothered. your complete disregard for the advice of all of us makes me nauseous. i hoped for your happiness and i was pulling for you, but i'm done now. now i'm just glad i'm not you.

4/9/07 11:16 pm

it is spring and i wish for fall
for leaves who wish to be birds
life is impossibly delicate
death just impossible
she is thick and heavy and more like sand than dust

too clean and too final
too dry

i licked it off my finger
like brownie batter instead of body

3/29/07 01:26 am

tonight i snuck as many glances at steve's girlfriend as i could, looking for clues as to how someone could be so separate from their own body. her legs on display below her denim mini skirt were toned and strong, her face thin, but there was no denying that the bump beneath her blouse advertised new life. she was beautiful, she did glow and she was calm, despite the fact that only earlier today had she been told she was 7th months pregnant, despite the fact that only sunday she had been told that she was pregnant at all. steve told me that her brother was on the other end of the phone, and i listened to her giggle as she told him and say "no, i just kind of look like a chubby girl."

everyone was appalled that she hadn't realized sooner, myself included. but now i think of my grandmothers corpse, i think of flesh as lies, i think of marina de van's shock when she notices her arm severed at the elbow during a business dinner in a crowded restaurant, i think of the mystic in the dark crystal who dies and how it's body disappears and how nice that would be i wonder if maybe rosemary's reality and all of our realities exist completely separate from the meat and bone, if maybe i wouldn't have known, either.



that is a picture of the corpse of elizabeth allene simpson. it feels very important to look at and share it, just as it felt very important to take.

3/14/07 04:03 am - p.s.

me: hi!
you: whattup, ghandi?!

You are a

Social Liberal
(90% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(0% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist




Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

3/14/07 03:10 am

transcribed from a scribbled panic attack earlier this evening:

dear world,

i am obsessed with honesty lately.

i am writing this on one of the few remaining pages of a journal who's first dated entry is from 3-1-02.3-1-02's entry also announces my aceptance to mica and cooper union. it also indicates -- at a remarkable level-- that i had a girl-crush. and my obsessive nature:
"i want to see her at home. i want to either immediately know why she hates it or suprised by a healthy enviornment. she's so soft and kind of a mystery to me."
(yet on 5-15-02 i say " he writes me poetry and he's 20. when it rains it pours.")

on my second night of art school (8-30-02) i wrote only this thought:
"i can only worship this moment blindly -- aware of the lie but still infatuated with every slight shift of breeze on my cheek and every city faucet singing."

9-2-02:
"i'm worried i don't love art as much as everyone here."
and
"you drag heavy black pants up and over groggy knees."

much later, an undated entry reads:
" i am going home for christmas one week early to get medication and therapy. things would be much better if my grandmother died. i like santa!!"

and now i will write:

i am suprised that it makes me feel nice to be able to buy a friend a $5.65 sandwich and not need them to pay me back.

3/9/07 11:20 pm

i can be real sad and vain at the same time, right? whatever, i got a new hair cut.

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